Letters to Jonghyun (Now Until Forever)

Part 1: Gratitude

Dearest 종현,

I waited this long to write you a letter because I want to make sure that I can think straight and that I can express all my thoughts and feelings clearly. These past few days have hurt like hell and I never would have been ready to say anything to you, even through a letter. Yes, it’s too late; but it’s still worth a shot. I know you’ll always be with us because you are our guardian angel, our one and only Bling Bling. This letter is just a first of many; and I plan to write to you every week. I’m doing this to keep you alive in my heart and in my mind; and also to help me cope with all this pain and regret. In this letter, I want to thank you Jonghyun. There are so many things about you that are great and that I should be thankful for; but I won’t enumerate them, at least in this letter. I might include them in future letters; but for now, I just want you to know that I am thankful. I thank God for Kim Jonghyun. I thank God everyday for you. And I want to thank you for showing me that music heals as much as it hurts. Thank you for teaching me the value of hard work and perseverance. Thank you for showing me that life is beautiful because music is always there or us. And you’ve made such beautiful music, Jonghyunie. You might have left us already; but you left a wonderful legacy. Your life here on Earth was a beautiful melody; and I bet your life there on the other side is just as beautiful, probably just a lot more peaceful. You taught me and many others that life is not always about rainbows, sunshines and happiness; but it can also be dark, gloomy and lonely sometimes. However, I think you kind of missed something. Jonghyun, in the darkness, you are the star that always shines the brightest. Now, your star shines the brightest every night. Remember, Bling Bling is Jonghyun. ~ Always and forever. ❤

Thank you for giving me a reason to keep going. I promise to live long enough to tell the world of a beautiful soul and a great person named Kim Jonghyun. Till we meet again, Bling Bling. 🙂

Your Blinger,

Elynne xo

Part 2: Apology


I never thought that a day like this would come. I promised myself that I will be a ShaWol until my last breath. I promised to love and support SHINee even in my old age. I just… I just cannot believe that such a tragedy could occur to you, to us, to me. This is my second letter and honestly, the pain doesn’t go away. I am writing this letter to you to apologize. Over the past few days, I cannot help but blame myself. Not because I think you know me personally; because I know you don’t. Not because I know you personally; because I don’t. But I still cannot help blaming myself because as part of the SHINee World, as a ShaWol, I should have known. I should have heard and listened to your cries of help. I should have noticed. I should have put in more effort. I should have done more. I could have done more. So many ‘should-have’s’, so many regrets. But what can these do? They cannot bring you back. You will never be back. At least in this world, or in my lifetime. But I want to apologize because I have been lacking. I should have done more as a ShaWol; and I know it sounds like all these efforts would’ve only been wasted. But if every ShaWol took the time to listen to you and notice your hardships.. If every Blinger saw the sadness in your eyes concealed by those smiles and your goofiness.. If every fan tried to live by your encouraging and reassuring words as a person living with depression.. If every person close to you got out of their way to care for you and be there for you in the darkest days… Maybe, just maybe, all of this would never happen. I am apologizing not as Elynne but as a ShaWol. I am sorry, Jonghyun. In another life, I would look for you. And I will make sure that nobody would hurt you. I will make sure that the world will never fail you again. I will find you and I will give you all the love and appreciation you rightfully deserve. And even if I am the only one left, I will never leave your side. Till then, my angel.



Part 3: Regret

Out of all the emotions I had over the years, regret is what I felt the most. I have this really heavy feeling in my chest; and it keeps weighing me down. Yes, I have accepted the truth that you left us already; but I cannot help feeling that it’s unfair that things turned out this way. There are so many things I regret. I regret not knowing you earlier. Maybe ten years would mean much more than six years of being your fan; and maybe that would mean more memories of you. Maybe that would mean more albums and songs I could listen to and more concerts I could attend. I regret not going to your concerts here in my country. I feel horrible. I feel like life is so unfair. I regret not supporting you enough during your solo activities. I regret not fangirling hard enough. I regret so many things, Jonghyun. None of it matters now. Noe of it makes sense to me. Everything is dark ow that you’re gone. I don’t know when it’ll get better. I don’t even know if I’ll ever be totally okay. I cry whenever I see your face. I cry when I see your members’ faces. I cry when I read their letters to you. I cried with Lee Hi, Taeyeon and Yeri. I cry at the sound of your voice. Jonghyun, the whole world weeps for you. The world lost a great artist and a beautiful person.

But like I said, I do this more for myself. I don’t want to continue living with all of this kept inside. At least, that’s what I can do now. I regret so many things; but do you know what I regret the most?

I regret not caring hard enough for people suffering, struggling or having a hard time when it mattered the most. I regret not caring hard enough when YOU needed it the most. Your life could have been saved if only people like me cared even more. One more person who cares, one more person who tries to reach out, one person who stays by your side, would mean much more than none.

I care. I always care.

Sometimes I just wish I cared more. I wish I could care enough for the people dear to me. You are dear to me, Jonghyun. That makes the pain even worse.


Part 4: Acceptance


It’s been a month, sunshine. Yesterday I watched your 누난 너무 예뻐 performance from 2015 on YouTube. My heart was full of warmth while I was watching the video, and even afterwards. It felt like you were there, watching with me and hugging me as we watch. I only shed happy tears at that moment. If only I could ~Replay Replay Replay~

I also took out the photo card I got from your Odd album; and it was yours that I got. I remember seeing the photo card for the first time and being slightly disappointed because I wanted to get Taemin’s. (because he is my bias) But after some time, I realized that it does not matter whose photo card I get. It’s still SHINee, after all. And all SHINee members are equally great. That’s when I knew that all five of you are my favorite. SHINee will always be the group that I’ll continue to root for, cheer for, love and support. Onew will always be the best and most reliable leader. You, Jonghyun, will always be the brightest star, our Bling Bling. Key will always be Almighty, the multi-talented artist. Minho will always be the Flaming Charisma and the most passionate and competitive person I know. And of course Taemin will always be the best dancing machine. Don’t worry, Jonghyun. We are looking after all of them. We know that’s what you’ll want.

SHINee is not SHINee if there are only four members. Of course we know that SHINee IS FIVE. 5HINee 영원히! ❤ SHINee is made up of five beautiful souls who I am very lucky to know in this lifetime.

Again I want to thank you for making me believe that it is possible to see and hear an angel. Thank you for gracing the world with your voice and your soul. You will always be loved.

Now you really became the warm wind that envelopes us during the cold times. (See lyrics for Our Season, song in Jonghyun’s OP Ver.2 album) And I am finally ready to accept that you are physically gone, in this world, in this lifetime. See you on the other side, my angel.


*JONGHYUN – Our Season English Translation

A warm winter has come again
Coats, scarves, sweaters, mittens
Even without those things, I’m not cold
Because you’re always by my side

Let’s be honest now, you’ve been disappointed in me, right?
Yes, I’ve been hurt by you too
But like the snow melts in warm winters
All of those things became memories now

Grateful feelings keep remaining
Your words keep lingering in my ears
So it’s not cold at all today, on this warm winter
Because you’re always by my side

White air came out of my mouth
And I used to put my frozen hands in my pockets
But I didn’t know this day would come
It feels like a dream

I’ll be back, those are such pretty words
Because it’s a goodbye to meet again on a promise
Just like the warm winter has come back
Your heart is always by my side too

Grateful feelings keep remaining
Your words keep lingering in my ears
So it’s not cold at all today, on this warm winter
Because you’re always by my side

Hey, I always say this but
I say this like a habit but
Thank you so much for loving me though I lack
Because of you, my eternity is warm

I want to tell you, thank you
I want to return the words you gave to me
It’s not cold at all today, on this winter with you
Because you’re always by my side*

Part 5: Awareness

Hello angel! 🙂 This week I watched your music video (Shinin’); and just yesterday I listened to your entire album, Poet | Artist. I only have one word to describe it: BEAUTIFUL. Like you. I still feel that emptiness and sadness but I’d like to let myself get hurt and feel everything. I think that’s the only way I could go on living without you in this world. My angel, I hope that wherever you are, you are loved more than I’ve loved you in the short time I’ve known you. After letting all these emotions out, I have to start living my life the way that I have to.

Jonghyun, I hope you’re there to guide and watch over me as I continue to live. I want to start again. I want to start with a promise. It’s a promise I made to myself and now I am sharing it with you and the world. It’s a promise of spreading and promoting awareness of the condition you were in. It’s a promise of helping anyone I could with the best of my abilities. It’s a promise of paying attention and listening with all my heart. It’s a promise of not giving up on myself and on others. It’s a promise that I will continue to give, share and love. And it is a promise that I will make myself an instrument in helping make the world a better place, one step at a time.

Of course that promise can only be fulfilled if there is awareness. I have to fully accept that this is a matter of concern. I have to prepare myself for all that is to come. I want to spread awareness on this issue. I want to help make more people understand that there are more people in this world who went through, are going through, and will go through what you’e been through. It will be hard to explain everything to them; but it’s not impossible. It is necessary. I will never stop trying. Jonghyun, dear, you are one of the bravest souls I know. Thank you for sharing yourself to the world through your music and passion. You are indeed a poet, an artist, and so much more. You are an angel, a beautiful soul that this world did not deserve. Thank you for being a part of my life. I could only dream of being close to the person you have been. I could only dream of doing as much as what you’ve done.

I miss you everyday. And I’ll continue to miss you for as long as I breathe.


Part 6: Help


Are you having a great time up there in heaven? Are you having your own comeback stage there? I hope so, sweetie. I envy the angels because they can listen to your voice and watch you perform up there, while we can’t anymore. But I also believe that the angels up there also need to hear your beautiful music.

These days, I find it really hard to sleep at night. I always think of you and how we could have saved you. I long for you, Jonghyun. We all do. But it’s a reality that in life, we have to make decisions for ourselves. We always have to make a choice. And you chose freedom. Life is cruel. This world is a cruel place; and there are people that could make it even worse. Sometimes, it is ourselves whom we need saving from. You gave us too many signs. There were a lot of cries for help. You wanted to be saved. But in the end, we failed you. Everyday, I go crazy thinking of the many ways I could’ve helped. I know I could do something. I regret not being able to do anything for you. Jonghyun, there are many people in this world who are going through what you have been through; and there are so much that we can do to help them. Sometimes, I wonder why we choose not to do anything? Why do we have to think twice about helping someone who is suffering or struggling? Why do we only start to care when things already blow up right on our faces or when it’s already too late; when we could have done something the moment we notice that something was wrong? Yes, life in this world is tough and cruel; but people can be so much worse. It scares me, Jonghyun, that one day people will forget all of this happened. I’m afraid that they will forget the reasons why this happened to you. I’m afraid that people will care less and less until there’s no more care, no more love to give in this world.

HELP. This is the time when we need to stand together and help each other in the means that we can. We can survive this, together. Jonghyun, I promise to help in ways that I can. I promise to help not only when asked; but more when the cries for help are weak and almost cannot be heard. My angel, guide me. Stay by my side and never leave me. You give me strength. I’m trying to pick up and put together all the beautiful pieces you’ve left to this world so I can share them with others. I want everyone to know that such a beautiful soul once lived among us; and he left and incredible legacy for future generations to cherish, remember, appreciate and live by.




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